I woke up this morning with a sadness in my heart. Looking back on recent things in my life and being grateful for it all… I am still in unrest. The focus of my life has always been my family and it was slipping away. No longer do we gather just to be with each other, there now is no desire for closeness and that is hard. Everyone has their own lives to live. As moms of adult children we have to stand back and let them live their life. We want to hover, protect, give advice but that is no longer wanted or needed. So we see them fly or fall and want to pick up the pieces. To make it all better. We can’t. They have to fly on their own or not.
God will find me even when I try to hide. HE wasn’t going to leave me in huddled under the covers. “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Galations 6:9. HIS WORD always rings true in my heart. So I get up and get going.
It’s hard to face failure in yourself. All the should haves, could haves and intentions are not enough to dull the pain of what could have been. But life is full of blunders, misteps and just downright stupidity that sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself and forgive yourself. Just like God has forgiven you. There will always be those lingering thoughts and sometimes downright pain of consequences but move on. Do better next time. God can use your blunders to His glory. You may not see them yet but they will be magnified in His time.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28 ESV
2018… I have been a mother for 41 years. Where did the time go? Those cherub cheeks and sticky fingers are gone and now you are grown with lives of your own. Sometimes I mourn the loss of those days when it was just the 4 of us making our way. It was a tough time but it changed me in ways I didn’t understand until now. We needed each other. You needed me to take care of you and help you grow and I needed you to keep me going. God gave me you to be His arms that held on to me he when times were lonely.
More than any other Mother’s day I miss the we of us. Busy lives and over scheduled calendars mark every day like closed doors. No smiling faces peering over the camera lens today. No mementos to post on Facebook. Just another Mother’s Day gone by.
God speaks to my heart in the sunrise. I fight the urge to snuggle down in the covers but something beckons me to get going.
Even in the quiet morning I feel helpless with all that is going on around me. The world seems out of control and I rail against the injustice, the lies that are being thrust into my world. The inhumanity that runs rampant is overwhelming. Those truths that I hold dear are being laughed at and God’s holiness is being stomped on.
Lord is there hope? People I love around me are losing the battle. God why don’t you do something? I feel we are losing ground.
But then comes the sunrise… and I think of my own walk. The kingdom of God is not being built in grand gestures from on high or God making all things perfect. It’s being built in the hearts of His people. As I struggle everyday to live a holy life the kingdom is being built. The people I touch and invest in are His creation and He has a plan much grander than mine. My job is not to see the big picture and the grand gestures. My job is to walk in faith and live out God’s truth in the everyday. I need to let Him do the rest.
Laying in bed this morning I said to my husband. Let’s just run away. It was such a nice morning, just the two of us with the world and all of its chaos and responsibility lurking just outside our door.
It’s not that I am unhappy, it just sometimes you just need peace and today did not promise that. Work in the garden, clean house, care for my mother, meals…
Life is good and life is messy. Discontentment is just a breath away. But for now we will enjoy our life because this is where God has placed us. We are blessed beyond measure with good health and great people around us.
But one day we will open that door.